One question I get asked often is “how did you overcome your eating disorder”

Let me tell you, it was not easy, and I was in the thick of it for so long, longer than I ever want to admit.  But I finally dug myself out of that back hole with a mindset change.

How it stared…

When I first started my disorder, I had witnessed it with roommates I had while overseas modelling.  I seen them eat things that was on our “do not eat list”  (Yes I was actually given a do not eat list from my agency at 17 years old.  I remember potatoes was on there, and I loved mashed potatoes, so I was sad to see that go. Along with bread!  I was a huge bread eater, and that did not make me gain weight.)  Then they would spend a long time in the washroom with the shower on, I even peeked under the door to see their feet facing the toilet.

When I got the “do not eat list”, I was actually a size 0… yup size 0… my mother was so proud.  I remember when she bought me a pair of pants and the size one was too large, so the saleslady brought me a size zero.

There was a lot of things that contributed to me feeling unworthy and needing to binge and purge.  There was my mother who put so much pressure on me to stay thin, to travel, to live out her dream and to not eat too much because I had a show coming up.  My Grandmother always telling me that I was fat, and my butt was getting big, yet parading me around to her friends and bragging how thin I was.  My agency giving me a do not eat list.  All these things along with an already damaged self esteem from no-one ever sticking up for me with all the abuse I endured.  I was weak.  Food was the ONLY thing I could control in my life at the time.

I wanted help…

When I felt like I actually had a problem and wanted to get help, I told my mother I was Bulimic.  Her response was to get me a psychiatrist.  I went to see this old man psychiatrist once, he prescribed an antidepressant and off I went.  Nothing changed and that was it.  I took the antidepressants for one week and threw the rest out.  I didn’t ever see that psychiatrist again.

The only time it was ever brought up again, was when my mother said to me “if you’re going to do that, then clean up after you’re done”  (Tony Robbins says that we only remember things when we have emotion tied to) I remember that moment because it was another cry for help, I didn’t fully clean the underside of the toilet seat after a purge session, with hopes of her seeing It and talking to me about it.  Unfortunately that was another life changing moment, her response and dismissal was all I needed to know once again I was on my own.

It continued…

Many many years went by, lets just say more than ten.  With many breaks in it.  I didn’t ever binge and purge when I was pregnant and had no desire to, until I was questioned about loosing my baby weight, I put on 48 pounds with my pregnancy and I was for the first time eating whatever I wanted.  Happily.  But soon after being questioned, I started binging and purging again.

I had talked to my husband about it, because he was and is the most loving and supportive human being I have ever known.  He was ready to send me away to a facility because that’s what I felt I needed, to get away from everything and everyone and learn from therapists who specialize in this.  Unfortunately those facilities are very expensive and at the time, the guilt was too great for me to be selfish and take that kind of money from him.  So I was determined to heal on my own.  And he gave me a time limit to get things under control, I lied at the end of it.

How I healed…

I read books, I started researching food and health and wellness incessantly.  And then the mindset shift happened.  I switched my focus from being skinny, to being healthy.  That was it.  Thats all it took.  As simple as that.

Simple is not to be mistaken with easy.  It was not easy. 

But, when I fixated on my health over being thin, everything changed for me.  I put on weight, and some family commented on it yes, but I was stronger now and it didn’t bother me.  What was important for me is I was focused on my health and wellness and that was it!  I started learning all about how the body works, how food affects the body, and how what we eat makes us sick and makes us well.  How food is fuel for the body, and I wanted to make sure I was my healthiest for my husband and son to live a very active lifestyle.

My husband and I started running because our bodies are meant to move.  We started drinking a green smoothie everyday because the nutrients in green leafy vegetables are unsurpassed.  I got into a good healthy routine and put on some hearty weight.  And my husband loved every bit of it. (more cushion for the…) My biceps were now a different size from my forearm, noticeably.  I felt great.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy some foods that are not considered “fuel” for the body, like Welches Gummies (my kryptonite) LOL.   I can eat one slice of cake, a few cookies, some chips, even some Christmas cookies, and chocolates, with no guilt. At. All.  And that I am very proud of.  There could be a day or two randomly where I eat not the best fuel for my body, but I do not purge and I feel like crap the next day, which is a great reminder of why I choose to focus on health and notice how I feel after eating what I chose.  I tend to put on weight in the winter months because I live in a cold climate and eat more in the winter than in the summer, and I’m ok with that.  I also exercise 5- 6 days days a week, healthily.  I am proud of how far I have come and continue to improve everyday.  I will not and nor do I ever want to be a size zero again, I am happy fluctuating between a 4 and 6 with the changes of the seasons.  At Christmastime I will always make delicious goodies and eat how ever much I want, guilt free.  Food is no longer top of mind in an unhealthy way.

I am here for you!

One thing I do wish I had when I was in the thick of it, was someone to talk to, who knew what I was feeling, who had gone through it themselves, and who actually experienced it.  That is why I share this with you, if you know someone who is struggling, or who might be struggling, please share this post with them, it could save a life.

According to anad.org there are 10,200 deaths every year due to eating disorders, that’s one death every 52 minutes.  Click on the highlighted website for more info. 

If anyone wants to talk to someone who has been there, please give them my info, I am happy to speak about this.  Or if you yourself have an eating disorder, or disordered eating (that’s another thing) I’m here for you, please reach out.

It is not easy, and thoughts and feeling of worthiness come up regularly for me, but I am so focused on my health and nourishing my body, that if anything happens that is negative, I do NOT go to food as a crutch like I used to.  I can choose things that nourish me mentally and physically.

Do what you love, make time for it,

Through this journey I have discovered my love for the outdoors, I feel refreshed and revived whenever I am able to get outside, weather it just be for a walk with my dog, a run, a bike ride or something more adventurous like exploring the Rocky Mountains only a few hours from where I live.  I know I need that and I listen to my body.

My hope for you in reading this is, even if you have never had issues with food, is that you cut yourself some slack, we all have days or weeks especially with Covid, where we have not made the healthiest choices, but do not get down on yourself, tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it, so pick yourself up and start over again.

Because you’re worth it.

 

Jackie