Are You Worth It?

When I was a teenager, I was given the opportunity of being an international model.  An opportunity that literally fell in my lap.  I was meeting a friend at a local shopping mall, when a guy came up to me, gave me his card and told me to call this modelling agency.  In my 15 year old mind I thought “Yeah ok pervert.” but I took the card, put it in my pocketed went to meet my friend.  I didn’t mention it to her, but when I got home I gave it to my mother.  She was overly excited at the thought of HER daughter becoming a model.  She immediately called the number and the date was set for a meeting.

We got into a waiting area with other girls and could hear the head of the agency meeting with another girl saying she could do local work, but not international. And then the next girl went in, then the next and same thing – local but not international. When my turn came, I had prepared myself for the same words I had been hearing the entire waiting time, also because I had never considered being a model. I just wanted to survive my home life and get the hell outta there as soon as I finished high school.  But when my turn came, he said “International” And my initial thought was “liar” LOL I thought he was a liar. He just picked some random person and said that. But the meeting went on and I remember my mother being so thrilled like SHE had just won the lottery or something, but never once was I asked if this was something I wanted to do. However, I went along with it, doing whatever I was supposed to do, never feeling like I really deserved it, or that I was worthy of it.

I had the pleasure of working with and meeting some incredible and beautiful girls from all over the world.  I got to travel overseas.  And all the while, never feeling like I belonged with them.  I grew up with a father who bashed me every chance he got, either mentally or physically, always calling me names like a bucked tooth mongoose (can’t imagine those are pretty) among many other things.  And a family and a mother that let it all happen.  When you have family basically saying this is ok, it kills you inside leaving you feeling like you’re worthless and don’t deserve anything good.  I have always said a quote I heard from a TV show “The silence of a friend, is worse than the words of an enemy” SO SO SO true! It really trashes your self esteem when you have no-one in your corner. No-one routing for you.

I know everyone has a past and a story to tell, many people have been abused in their life, and these people never feel like they are worth it when it comes to something good happening in their lives. Its really hard to see the good.  A lot of the time we end up pushing it away, make excuses and quit.  Just like I did.

Funny how I used to pray and pray for an out of my house, of my life.  And when I finally got it, I felt I wasn’t worthy of it and didn’t deserve it.  So I quit!  So. Crazy. If only we could turn back time.  I still see two girls in magazines currently that I met while modelling, they are still working, we are the same age, If only I could have felt worthy.

Now when opportunities come my way, I take them all and am grateful for every single one, I recognize them and I ask for what I want because I know I am worth it.  This took a long long time to realize, but now that I have, I am the happiest and healthiest I have ever been, because I am worth it. 

So I ask you, what is it in your life right now, that you don’t feel you deserve? Or are worthy of? Is it a wage increase? A job promotion? Happiness? A healthy relationship? Wealth? A healthy body? Really take the time to think about it, are you self sabotaging right now with something?

These are my favourite pictures of me when I was 19 years old. Taken in Athens Greece, when I was lucky enough to travel abroad for modelling.

I share them with you, in hopes of you being able to take all the good that happens in your life, and be able to RECOGNIZE it, because that is half the battle.

You are worth it.

Jackie